It is not very often that I mention my personal life on this blog, but sometimes real life intervenes with my writing world. I have mentioned my anxiety because oftentimes it makes it difficult to focus and that’s not a good thing when you are writing.
I have also been having eating issues and difficulty swallowing food. It has been a rather difficult time for me and to add to it; I have had a visit from an old ‘friend.” His name is Mr. Depression.
He’s a ‘friend’ that has been in and out of my life since my early teens. He is definitely not someone I am too fond of, especially since he caused me to be suicidal on more than one occasion. He brings a dark cloud on my whole world, making my life very stormy. There have been times where he would disappear altogether and that dark storm would be gone and my world was brighter.
He started creeping back a few months ago and it seems that he has unpacked his bags and decided to stay awhile. It’s a daily battle to fight against him and the storms he creates, but I do know that there will be sunshine in the end.
I think some of it is creeping into my writing and it is not something I want to happen. Writing is something I started doing after I ended a five year battle with endometriosis. It was painful, it was discouraging at times and I had to make the wretched decision to have a hysterectomy at a somewhat young age. Coming to terms with the fact that I will never bear any more children weighed heavy on my heart, especially after I had a miscarriage two years prior.
I had been reading a lot of fanfiction to keep my mind off things and to help cope with Mr. Depression. As you can tell by the stories I write, there is a certain character that I just love and one day I picked up a notebook and wrote and wrote and wrote. That story still sits in the notebook and has yet to be published. But – it saved me from going off the deep end. Writing, my husband and my son were the light in my darkness.
About a year and a half ago, Kittyinaz hosted a writing contest on her site, and I decided to give it a try and entered Reflections. I never expected people to like it, or for it to even place third. It shocked me beyond belief. However, it gave me encouragement keep at it and eventually I started writing more stories that I publish on the blog I have here.
It makes me smile to see that people like my stories and warms my heart when they leave a kind review. Some of you may never know just how much your words have brightened my days. It has been a joy to see my site grow and to see my stories get longer bit by bit.
I have made many friends, thanks to the fanfiction world and it had been an honor and a privilege to know them. There are a few that have left a mark on my heart forever. I’m not going to name names. You know who you are and you know that I love you.
Unfortunately, writing is a double-edged sword at times. Honestly, I write for me, because it brings me joy. But I will be honest and say that when a story doesn’t seem to be well liked or my blog posts are ignored, it is a let down and it feeds Mr. Depression even more.
With that in mind, and after much thought, I have made the decision to put down the pen for now. It wasn’t an easy decision to make, believe me. I hate the thought of leaving those of you anxious for updates hanging and a part of me feels that it is irresponsible of me to simply walk away from my stories.
However, as I said before…I think the darkness is affecting my writing and at times I feel that I could do better, or that what I have published isn’t good enough. I do put my best foot forward when I write and I pour my whole heart into my characters and their world. The drive to write is still there, but there is a brick wall that prevents me from actually doing it, which is why I announced my hiatus before. I had hoped that the darkness would pass.
Unfortunately, it hasn’t. I have decided that putting everything on an indefinite hold would be better because I need time to take care of me and fight this battle until I see the light again. I know it will take a while because it its not my first go-round with Mr. Depression. I’ve kicked him to the curb before, and I will do it again. I’ve adopted Jared Padaleki’s motto, “Always Keep Fighting” and that’s exactly what I intend to do.
I bought a tee-shirt that says “I am here to kill demons and eat pie. I just finished my pie.” Well, Mr. Depression is my demon and I’m gonna kill him. While I am at it, I want to take care of me and focus on that and my family.
Until then, writing will have to wait. I promise you when the storm passes, and I see the light once again, I will pick up that pen and write until my wee little heart is content. I want to thank each and every one of you for every kind word you ever made when you commented on my stories or blog posts. I want to thank you for your support and your encouragement and I want to thank you for being a part of my little journey into fanfiction. I hope to meet with you again soon.