I’m Still Standing…

My Dear Readers,

I know it will be a shock to see a new blog post from me. Especially since it has been over a year since you’ve heard from me. I did not intend for my hiatus to be this long, I honestly didn’t. But as some of you may know, depression does not have a timetable. In December 2016, I was still in the midst of a depression cycle. There were some real-life struggles at the time with my little family that I do not wish to disclose. Though, I will say that even in the trying times; I could still see the light, and I truly believed I could withstand the storms. Let’s just say Hurricane Depression dropped down to a tropical storm.

Then after the New Year, a new storm hit. That my friends, I would compare to a category five hurricane. In fact, I was standing in the eye of the storm, my world calm and peaceful as chaos erupted all around me. Then the dark clouds came in, thunder roared and the rain washed me away. I will not go into details about what caused it, but I will say this: I was hurt deeply by people I loved dearly and lost them in the process. The pain was a lot to bear and when you mix that with depression, it makes one very dangerous cocktail. To say the least, I was not in a good spot.

I wanted to hide under the covers in my bed and wallow, I wanted to shut myself off from the world, I wanted the depression, the pain, and the sorrow to end. I wanted it to be over. I yearned for peace, yet the storm kept howling. I didn’t know if I’d survive this time. Yes, I know it sounds bleak, but that was my reality.

The night I wrote my blog post, I had a shattered soul. A small part of me wasn’t even sure if I would ever come back to writing, even though another part hoped I would. It took quite a few months for the pain to subside. Reading some stories, binge watching on Netflix, therapy, music, journaling, and tinkering in Photoshop helped a lot. It was then I saw glimpses of light. I also realized my anchor to this world was my son. My dear, sweet boy is the light of my life. His very existence is the reason I kept going, fighting the storms.

My husband deserves a lot of credit, too. He was an aircraft mechanic during his service to our country and what was broke, he fixed it. And that’s what he did with me. He took my shattered pieces and put them back together one by one. He tethered me to him during the storm and never once let go. Nor did he ever give up, even in moments I was so uncertain that I could wither the storm. He told me I could fight through it, that he loved me, that he was there for me, and made sure I took care of myself. Most of all, he believed in me and saw strength within me I didn’t know I had. I don’t know how I got so lucky to have him in my life. Though, I am damned glad I made that decision eighteen years ago to marry him. He is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I will be eternally grateful to him for being there “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.”

I battled Depression and to quote Elton John, “I’m still standing.” I made it through the storm. I may not be the same person I once was, some of the twinkle in my eyes may be gone but essentially I am me, again.  I don’t really share my personal life with the world, but I thought perhaps sharing my story would be beneficial to someone else that may suffer from depression so they know that there is hope – a light at the end of the tunnel, if you will. If you are reading this and suffer from depression, I sincerely hope you keep fighting. It is a battle worth winning. Please know someone out there believes in you and knows you ARE strong enough to withstand the storm.

Now, with all that said…..

The reason I am posting today is to tell you that I started writing again around October/November. I had three chapters of Spirits In the Mist done, two one-shots almost completed, and did some work on Not Enough Time & Ties That Bond.  I also started a couple new stories. Needless to say, I was quite proud of myself, and the ever-picky Mr. Muse was pleased.

Well….that came to a screeching halt on Friday afternoon. I was working on a story and left the computer to let the dogs out. We had a power outage and it fried my hard drive. I lost everything in Microsoft Word and in Photoshop. Hubby tried to reboot the computer and it didn’t even make a sound when he turned it on. We both sat staring at an ominous black screen. We tried a few things to get it going again, but nothing worked. It was beyond saving. I am completely devastated about it…all those hours of work just gone forever.

I got a new computer for Christmas, and was in the process of deleting stuff I didn’t need or want, so when we transferred files I wouldn’t have to worry about having crap I didn’t want on the new computer.  This weekend was going to be the weekend I planned to transfer everything to an external drive. Also planned to back everything up online.  Ha! Just goes to show you what happens when I make plans, LOL.

Since my computer no longer has Word on it, I have nothing to type and save a document with. Microsoft Office is a hundred and fifty bucks, OR you can get it as a monthly subscription. The Photoshop program is a tad expensive, too. My son just celebrated his sixteenth birthday, and we had a bash to celebrate. My wallet is quite a bit lighter after paying for the aforementioned bash and presents. I wouldn’t have it any other way, but unfortunately that means I can’t afford to have things like Word and Photoshop, right now.

I took the hard drive frying as a big, bright neon sign from the Universe to just give up on fanfiction. I had every intention of coming on here and announcing that I was simply going to remove my stories and thank you all for your support. That is when I noticed that I still had my media files for some stories, like that next buttons and so on. I may attempt rewriting what I had at one point by longhand and typing it up here instead of the traditional copy/paste. I may not have new banners and all the “pretties,” but I can still publish stories. It just won’t be as visually pleasing to the eye.

I’m not one hundred percent sure as to what I will do. But I do know that it will be a while before I even attempt writing anything. I do plan (Ha! There I go again…plans) to try writing something short by longhand and typing it up here to see how it works. That makes me think of my first story, Reflections. I wrote that in a little spiral notebook, all 13,000 words by hand in pencil and typed it up on Word to send in for a contest. Nostalgia makes me smile. Irony does, too. Seems like I’m back exactly as I started, I just don’t have Word (or Photoshop), anymore. Maybe, just maybe it is a sign to go back to my roots. We shall see what the Universe will say, huh?

My goodness! If you have made it all the way here to the end, I sincerely thank you for taking the time to read what I have to say. I do have a couple more things to add, so bear with me.

First and foremost – to you lovely readers who’ve sent messages to me over the past year with words of encouragement, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your words have meant the world to me.

To my friends who have been loving, kind and offered me words of wisdom, I thank you. You have been a blessing and made my world better.

To every single one of you that ever read my stories, left a review and have been patient with my hiatuses, I thank you.

My apologies for such a long winded post, I didn’t intend for it to be this long, but it is how it went. Thanks again for reading and have a good weekend!





19 thoughts on “I’m Still Standing…

  1. take care of yourself and your family first, always writing is second. I’m glad you had someone to be there for you when you needed him As for your stories. I can’t wait for you to update them if you do. i really want to read more of Spirits in the mist i love reading that . otherwise just take your time. come back when you are ready to come back and not until. I hope you and your family are doing well. Have a good Sunday and holiday if you don’t post before easter.

    • Thank you for our kind words. I’m glad you enjoy spirits. Maybe one day, I will return to it. I’m still upset over the loss of everything and it will take some time to get over it. I admit to being nervous about rewriting what I had, as I feel the story ill lose some of its soul. But another writer friend suggested I re-read the story when/if I return to it and go from there. That’s what I’ll probably do if I decide to do that. Spirits was one of my favorites, to be honest. I hope you have a good holiday, too. Take care.

  2. Concerning your wonderful supportive family…I am so glad that you have and depend on them. Concerning you……You girl, are way stronger, braver, creative and lovely than you give yourself credit for. I applaud you for thinking and wishing the best for others when you are having such a tough time. 🙂
    Concerning your stories…… I’ll check my own pdf’s and hopefully others will as well. I’m sure we can find copies of your written and posted items. (That is if they are gone too….) I have no clue myself about retrieving the unsaved written things though. But someone might.
    You should think of the those new writings like this…. “I did it once, I can do it again if I want.”
    I have a lot of faith in you as a person and get a lot of inspiration from you. I hope you perceive this message as positive. I’m still scared to try writing and posting myself, and I’m 49 dam years old. LOL
    Have a great and relaxing upcoming Easter holiday with your family and friends, and do what YOU want to do… just one thing at a time and you will keep succeeding. I just know it.
    Loyal fan, reader and supporter
    Tracey Buie

    • Awe, Tracey! Thank you for your such kind words! I appreciate the offer of looking through PDF’s, but what I lost was things I have not published (which was saved in MS WORD). Everything you see here is stored on WP, so I didn’t lose that. My dear husband is going to try something with the old hard dive to see if he can retrieve that data, though he told me he couldn’t promise anything.
      Your words of encouragement are really uplifting, and I appreciate that so much. I do plan to try writing a new one-shot eventually to see if I can get into a groove of writing. Just not sure when. Perhaps one day, I’ll finish my other stories. I just fear they won’t be the same as what I’d written before. But, as you sad, I did it once I can do it again! 🙂 Thanks for being such a loyal reader! I hope you and your family have a Happy Easter!

  3. I’m glad to hear you were on the upswing. Like Tracie said, OpenOffice is free and works like word. I have both, plus in case of computer crashes, google docs actually is really great and you can access from your phone if you get the urge to write a few lines when waiting in line or at the doctor office, etc. and it’s still there waiting after a dead computer. I know from experience. Photoshop you can get with subscription instead of buying straight out. $10 a month you can get lighthouse and photoshop cs6 or whatever the current one is. They have different subscription plans now depending on access to programs you want.

  4. Hey lady!

    First off, if you need pretties, let me know and I’ll be happy to help! There is the free one that is like Photoshop, GIMP.

    2nd-there is google docs which you have access to thanks to our Drive subscription! You can download and use it all you want since it hates me. I am crossing fingers that it doesn’t hate you (you should be fine, we think it’s really my computer since it won’t do a bunch of things it should).

    3rd-Thanks for sharing!!! I completely understand how you feel. I’ve been battling a huge episode myself and feel like I’m surfacing every once in a while for a breathe of fresh air before the next bout. Right now, I have medical issues and Stormy is missing, though I have hope now… but knowing someone personally fighting through it and seeing out the other side is enough of a push to keep fighting.

    Thank you.

    • Hey back! Sorry to hear you’re having struggles of your own, and I will be thinking of you!! You can make it through, I know you can! Hang in there!! Hopefully, your medical issues will be resolved and I’m sorry to hear about Stormy. As I said, hang in there and you are in my thoughts!

      Ad you are such a dear to offer me pretties! I truly appreciate that, and I may contact you about that one day. Thanks so much! As for GIMP, I tried it before I got PS Elements and…..I hated it with a burning passion, LOL. But I may give it a go at some point. I lost all my pictures, too. So accumulating more will be a chore, and hunting down “good ones” is sometimes a miracle. Not to mention the fonts…..I’m getting a headache thinking about it!

      I changed my email addresses, so I may not be able to access the Google Drive. I am not a tech person at all, as you might remember. I’m sure you can recall the night you taught me how to use P/S. I was a hopeless case at it when I begun. LOL.

      Thanks so much for your support and kind words. I truly hope better days are ahead for you. Take care!

      • Just send me your new email in a PM on Facebook and I will put it in. Then you can have all the pics I have gathered. There is even more now! Plus there is a photoshop folder chalk full of fonts and so on.

        And I’m more than willing to help!!! I can’t give you Microsoft office since I pay for the one I have through my mom with having them on my virus protections. But anything else I can try!!! In fact thinking on it, I still have my elements that you can have!!! I have photoshop itself from adobe that I pay the $10 a month for so the elements is just sitting there unused, gathering dust on my shelf’s…

        Let me know and thanks for the positive thoughts!!!

  5. Im glad you made it through the storm and if the universe says to continue your haitus do it i and i hope most of us will wait till your ready of you never are ready then we understand or at least i do i love everything you have wrote and possibly will write.

  6. Wow! You have had a hard time but you have come out stronger. I am sorry to hear all this has happened to you but I am glad you are doing better now. Everything happens for a reason but don’t let the world get you down. I do love to read your stories and you are a wonderful writer. The choices you make are extremely personally and your own. I do want to say thank you for the stories you have already shared with us. If this is your passion and it brings you joy then continue it. Unfortunately, the world is a harsh place and we will always need things that bring us joy and happiness. Good luck with it all! And I look forward to checking your blog to see what you have decided. Also if you have a gmail account, you have access to google docs which is very similar to Microsoft word. Thank you again for all you have written and for being the wonderful person and writer you are.

  7. OMG!!I just discovered you on FanFiction!!I absolutely love every single one of your stories!!how you combine both worlds!I love your Damon,he’s so…asdfghjkl!!!I was really disappointed having them unfinished, but once I read your explanation I get it. I have some hurricanes to survive my self and my little heaven is reading and being in some other world for a little while. I really hope one day you’ll come back with updates,but if not, I really hope everything goes well with you and your family, And you enjoy whatever you decide to do!! I’ll be impatiently waiting to read more, but if not,it was an absolute pleasure leaving in your stories for a while!! Best of wishes!!

    • I am so gad you enjoy my stories! I’m glad you love Damon – I am kinda partial to him myself. 😉

      I do plan to finish my stories…eventually. In fact, I am working on a one shot right now. Not sure when I will have it posted, though. My kiddo is home for the summer and he keeps me busy.

      Thank you for your kind words and taking the time to comment. It made my day. As for your own hurricane? We all have storms to withstand, but know you are strong enough to make it through them. I wish you the best!

  8. You are one of the first authors that got me hooked onto fanfiction and the very reason why I LOVE BellaxDamon pairings.

    I have an extra license on my Microsoft Office subscription and I am mlre than happy to share.

    Depression is a B and I can empathise with you on that one, she still has a way of grtting to me.

    Things will perk up, they always do and they will drop down, they also always do but know that you are not alone, and we, especially personally, I are only a mesage away.

    • Thank you for your very kind words! I am so glad you enjoy my BellaxDamon stories. Damon is sure fun to write about! 🙂

      Also, I appreciate the generous offer for the MS Office, but I have found something to use for now and downloaded the program. I have been writing, I just don’t know when things will be ready to post.

      Depression is indeed a B**** but as you said, things do perk up. I still have moments where the depression gets to me. Though, its not the vicious cycle it once was. And I know things will be better eventually.

      Thanks again for your kind words. Remember, you are not alone either and that you’re stronger than what you think. Feel free to PM me as well. Take care!

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