This Is Not A Goodbye, It’s A See You Later…

It is not very often that I mention my personal life on this blog, but sometimes real life intervenes with my writing world. I have mentioned my anxiety because oftentimes it makes it difficult to focus and that’s not a good thing when you are writing.

I have also been having eating issues and difficulty swallowing food. It has been a rather difficult time for me and to add to it; I have had a visit from an old ‘friend.” His name is Mr. Depression.

He’s a ‘friend’ that has been in and out of my life since my early teens. He is definitely not someone I am too fond of, especially since he caused me to be suicidal on more than one occasion. He brings a dark cloud on my whole world, making my life very stormy. There have been times where he would disappear altogether and that dark storm would be gone and my world was brighter.

He started creeping back a few months ago and it seems that he has unpacked his bags and decided to stay awhile. It’s a daily battle to fight against him and the storms he creates, but I do know that there will be sunshine in the end.

I think some of it is creeping into my writing and it is not something I want to happen. Writing is something I started doing after I ended a five year battle with endometriosis. It was painful, it was discouraging at times and I had to make the wretched decision to have a hysterectomy at a somewhat young age. Coming to terms with the fact that I will never bear any more children weighed heavy on my heart, especially after I had a miscarriage two years prior.

I had been reading a lot of fanfiction to keep my mind off things and to help cope with Mr. Depression. As you can tell by the stories I write, there is a certain character that I just love and one day I picked up a notebook and wrote and wrote and wrote. That story still sits in the notebook and has yet to be published. But – it saved me from going off the deep end. Writing, my husband and my son were the light in my darkness.

About a year and a half ago, Kittyinaz hosted a writing contest on her site, and I decided to give it a try and entered Reflections. I never expected people to like it, or for it to even place third. It shocked me beyond belief. However, it gave me encouragement keep at it and eventually I started writing more stories that I publish on the blog I have here.

It makes me smile to see that people like my stories and warms my heart when they leave a kind review. Some of you may never know just how much your words have brightened my days. It has been a joy to see my site grow and to see my stories get longer bit by bit.

I have made many friends, thanks to the fanfiction world and it had been an honor and a privilege to know them. There are a few that have left a mark on my heart forever. I’m not going to name names. You know who you are and you know that I love you.

Unfortunately, writing is a double-edged sword at times. Honestly, I write for me, because it brings me joy. But I will be honest and say that when a story doesn’t seem to be well liked or my blog posts are ignored, it is a let down and it feeds Mr. Depression even more.

With that in mind, and after much thought, I have made the decision to put down the pen for now. It wasn’t an easy decision to make, believe me. I hate the thought of leaving those of you anxious for updates hanging and a part of me feels that it is irresponsible of me to simply walk away from my stories.

However, as I said before…I think the darkness is affecting my writing and at times I feel that I could do better, or that what I have published isn’t good enough. I do put my best foot forward when I write and I pour my whole heart into my characters and their world. The drive to write is still there, but there is a brick wall that prevents me from actually doing it, which is why I announced my hiatus before. I had hoped that the darkness would pass.

Unfortunately, it hasn’t. I have decided that putting everything on an indefinite hold would be better because I need time to take care of me and fight this battle until I see the light again. I know it will take a while because it its not my first go-round with Mr. Depression. I’ve kicked him to the curb before, and I will do it again. I’ve adopted Jared Padaleki’s motto, “Always Keep Fighting” and that’s exactly what I intend to do.

I bought a tee-shirt that says “I am here to kill demons and eat pie. I just finished my pie.” Well, Mr. Depression is my demon and I’m gonna kill him. While I am at it, I want to take care of me and focus on that and my family.

Until then, writing will have to wait. I promise you when the storm passes, and I see the light once again, I will pick up that pen and write until my wee little heart is content. I want to thank each and every one of you for every kind word you ever made when you commented on my stories or blog posts. I want to thank you for your support and your encouragement and I want to thank you for being a part of my little journey into fanfiction. I hope to meet with you  again soon.


M4T

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18 thoughts on “This Is Not A Goodbye, It’s A See You Later…

  1. I’m so very, very sorry to hear that The Asshole Known As Depression has invaded your life once again, and if I could I’d kick his ass from here to kingdom come and back. Since that’s not possible, I’ll always be available to hold your hand, tell you exactly how amazing you are, that you’re the strongest person I know, and that you will, honestly and truly, beat that motherfucker bloody.

    That being said, babe, when you even THINK you MIGHT feel like THINKING about doing it, go back to your “roots”. Use the sharp edge of a pencil – a real honest-to-goodness #2 pencil, to “carve out” some of that sunshine for yourself, sit your gorgeous ass down, and write, longhand, on the paper of your choice. You have a strong brain full of imagination, dreams, ideas, bullshit, creativity, quips, witticisms, and all the other stuff writers need – let that beautiful brain of yours fly free at ANY and EVERY opportunity. Some days it won’t happen, but bb, other days it will. You don’t have to “do anything” with the words you write, not yet, but you do need to let that part of your wonderful self out so it can play, too. And because you’re worth creating and saving and working with and sharing those amazing words!

    Give yourself a break. You don’t have to fight the demons alone. Depression is a lying, deceptive, insidious, invidious bastard of a beast, but you have help, you have love, you have friends and family and great toenails and gorgeous elbows and sparkling eyes and great taste – use them all, and fight, rest, and fight some more.

    You are not alone. ❤

  2. We can wait. Your health is more important. Your story’s are amazing and I always love them. Honestly though I understand that depression is a bitch, we all do most of us have been there or know people that have been there. Hope to see you when you are %100.
    Take care ❤

  3. I’m sorry that you are going through this. I hope you feel better soon, but take all the time that you need. We all will be waiting for you. I’ll pray for you!

  4. I’m sorry that you are having such a bad time lately. Like everyone said it is more important that you take care of yourself right now. I agree with the pen and paper idea. When you are feeling the itch again, because I know you will, write something nice and fluffy for us that makes you smile. We will be waiting in the wings even if you don’t realize we are there.

  5. I’m so sorry for you having to go through this. I’m a huge fan of your work and its upsetting that that you will be gone for however long you will be. But you need to take care of you and we your adoring fans will be waiting for you to return. I hope you get well soon until then in the words of my funny gran ” Life is a hard hill to sometimes climb, but when you get to the top you’ll feel like you can whoop King Kong’s bare monkey ass”

  6. I am here anytime you need me! I hate Mr Depression, he tries to get into everyone’s business! I know how it can be, and as one who is fighting it myself, it can be so freaking hard to remember that you don’t have to act happy all the time. Though I personally fail at this, and often forget to reach out to others, I do encourage to do better than me.

    Saying that, I will admit, that I have a new addition to the house that seems to make it his/her (since we STILL don’t know the sex of it!) personal job to lather me in love. As I was writing this, she crept up, gave me kisses (No I am not going to tell her that the kisses hurt!) and loved on me. Connor is by my feet. And Murphy is lying his head on my leg. I know you have this wonderful support system yourself. Pets are there, and they know how you really feel even when you act like all is fine.

    So I give you a huge hug, and hope it will be all fine. And remember, you wrote a fine ass story on paper, and you can do it again if you just need to write. No need to share, but to write often lets you get the pain out. Now I gotta go, but I am here if you need me!

  7. We will be here when ever you are ready to come back.Thank you for all the hours of fun you have given me through your writing.

  8. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. Just know that you have the support of the fanfic community, and I for one will be right here, cheering you on in your battles with the evil demon known as depression, and will be here when the day comes that you feel ready to return!! If you ever find yourself needing or wanting some encouragement, I’ll be right here to give it to you! Feel better sweetie!

  9. I’ll miss your updates but truly hope this time away gives you a chance to take care of yourself and your family. I can’t speak for others but as someone who battles severe depression and anxiety I’ll do all I can to be supportive. Even if that’s just silently sitting awaiting your return and sending positive thoughts your way.

  10. I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through a horrible and I hope you will feel better. Best wishes to you and your family! Just know that you’ll be greatly missed!

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